Happy St. Patrick's Day

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
ya been?"
Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..
"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

> May the luck of Irish be
> always at hand
> And good friends always
> near you
> May each and every coming
> day
> Bring some special joy to
> cheer you.
> *********************************
> May your glass
> be ever full.
> May the roof over your
> head be always strong.
> And may you be
> in heave half an hour
> before the Devil knows
> you're dead.
> *********************************
> May you live
> as long as you want,
> And never want
> as long as you live.
> ********************************
> May the roof above us
> never fall in,
> And may the friends
> gathered below it
> never fall out.
> ********************************
> May your neighbors
> respect you,
> Troubles neglect you,
> The angles protect you,
> And Heaven accept you.
> ********************************
> May your
> home always be too
> small to hold all
> of your friends.
>> *************************************
> May the road rise up to meet
> you.
> May the wind be always at
> your back.
> May the sun shine warm upon
> your face.
> And rain fall soft upon your
> fields.
> And until we meet again,
> May God hold you in the
> hollow of His hand.
> *************************************
> Wherever you go and
> whatever you do,
> May the luck of the
> Irish be there with you.
> **************************************
> May you have the hindsight
> to know where you've
> been,
> The foresight to know where
> you're going,
> And the insight to know when
> you're going too far!
> ******************************
> Do not resist growing
> old,
> Many are denied the
> privilege.
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